heartache

this past week, i've had a sort of growing sadness. sadness for lost souls. as a recent friendship with a seeming unbeliever has grown so too has my sadness for her and her unsaved soul.

for years, i've prayed that God would give me a glimpse of His view for the lost. i wanted very badly to care more about people, realizing that everyone, whether aware or not, will spend eternity in either heaven or hell. for years i've prayed regularly for friends who's salvation i was not sure of or either very doubtful of. yet, i've never really felt that i cared about the eternal destinations of the souls all around me.

romans 10:1 is a verse that has provoked change. Kevin DeYoung said in a sermon on compassion, "Our goal as Christians is to relieve suffering everywhere we see it and especially eternal suffering." these 2 sentences have really stuck with me. and so the prayers for change continued.

well this past week, those prayers have been answer. yet, i'm not sure i was really ready for what it was i had asked for. i believe that God has the power to change hearts, to soften hardened sinners and cause true repentance and belief. and i also believe that not everyone will be saved. some people continue to harden their hearts and ignore the gospel. they choose to ignore their need for saving. while i don't understand it all, i still believe God is a loving and sovereign God capable of great things. He is saddened greatly by sin. i think the intense sadness God feels for unbelievers is something humans will never know. yet through sanctification, we can gain small glimpses into this grief.

this past week my heart has grown heavy as i talked more and more to my friend. she seems to want something more, know that life is about something more, yet i think she's comfortable with her life and knows significant change would need to occur if she seeks out something greater.

last night after everyone went upstairs, i began to cry. tears for my friend, tears for other friends, tears for all the faces i pass each day that do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. crying turned to weeping. i was overcome by grief. i turned to Scripture. i was quickly drawn to revelations. as the verses described what the end of time will be like, and how some will continue in their unbelief, yet another even greater wave of sorrow came over me. i wept for the first time in my life as i thought about people going to hell.

i realized in my weakness that unless God changed these hearts, they would indeed suffer in hell. i know my efforts to spread the truth of the gospel are in vain unless God changes hearts. i prayed, without actually speaking words, that He would indeed change their hearts.

i still feel sadness as i think of faces, yet more grateful than ever for my salvation, and that most of the people i love are saved. i felt exhausted from shedding tears for close to an hour, but God used that exhausted and needy feeling to show me that salvation is His doing, not mine. this built faith in me to pray. pray hard for the lost. and never let opportunities for sharing the hope of the gospel pass me by.

this heartache that i feel is real. i'm sure it's only a trace of the grief God feels. while it's made my heart heavy, i hope it does not quickly go away.

Hebrews 4:7
"Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts." 

Titus 2:11
"For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation for all people."

Psalm 42:5
"Why are you cast down oh my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation."