thanksgiving table

oh christmas tree

we brought home our 2011 christmas tree tonight! it's our family tradish to go 2 nights before thanksgiving. wednesday before thanksgiving we decorate the boughs and whip up the delicious food. on thanksgiving we sit back and relax. funny as the years go by it gets harder and harder to get everyone together to make these things happen. but we managed : )

heartache

this past week, i've had a sort of growing sadness. sadness for lost souls. as a recent friendship with a seeming unbeliever has grown so too has my sadness for her and her unsaved soul.

for years, i've prayed that God would give me a glimpse of His view for the lost. i wanted very badly to care more about people, realizing that everyone, whether aware or not, will spend eternity in either heaven or hell. for years i've prayed regularly for friends who's salvation i was not sure of or either very doubtful of. yet, i've never really felt that i cared about the eternal destinations of the souls all around me.

romans 10:1 is a verse that has provoked change. Kevin DeYoung said in a sermon on compassion, "Our goal as Christians is to relieve suffering everywhere we see it and especially eternal suffering." these 2 sentences have really stuck with me. and so the prayers for change continued.

well this past week, those prayers have been answer. yet, i'm not sure i was really ready for what it was i had asked for. i believe that God has the power to change hearts, to soften hardened sinners and cause true repentance and belief. and i also believe that not everyone will be saved. some people continue to harden their hearts and ignore the gospel. they choose to ignore their need for saving. while i don't understand it all, i still believe God is a loving and sovereign God capable of great things. He is saddened greatly by sin. i think the intense sadness God feels for unbelievers is something humans will never know. yet through sanctification, we can gain small glimpses into this grief.

this past week my heart has grown heavy as i talked more and more to my friend. she seems to want something more, know that life is about something more, yet i think she's comfortable with her life and knows significant change would need to occur if she seeks out something greater.

last night after everyone went upstairs, i began to cry. tears for my friend, tears for other friends, tears for all the faces i pass each day that do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. crying turned to weeping. i was overcome by grief. i turned to Scripture. i was quickly drawn to revelations. as the verses described what the end of time will be like, and how some will continue in their unbelief, yet another even greater wave of sorrow came over me. i wept for the first time in my life as i thought about people going to hell.

i realized in my weakness that unless God changed these hearts, they would indeed suffer in hell. i know my efforts to spread the truth of the gospel are in vain unless God changes hearts. i prayed, without actually speaking words, that He would indeed change their hearts.

i still feel sadness as i think of faces, yet more grateful than ever for my salvation, and that most of the people i love are saved. i felt exhausted from shedding tears for close to an hour, but God used that exhausted and needy feeling to show me that salvation is His doing, not mine. this built faith in me to pray. pray hard for the lost. and never let opportunities for sharing the hope of the gospel pass me by.

this heartache that i feel is real. i'm sure it's only a trace of the grief God feels. while it's made my heart heavy, i hope it does not quickly go away.

Hebrews 4:7
"Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts." 

Titus 2:11
"For the grace of God has appeared bringing salvation for all people."

Psalm 42:5
"Why are you cast down oh my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation."

honeyed tunes

roslyn

possibility 

hearing damage

meet me on the equinox

                     

glimpse of autumn

Pumpkin cookies from Mary

                                             parking garage

                                           Cuties on the keys

                          night out with chels, jake, and mary

                                        odu bird's eye view

                                             rainy night

                                               tired of school

                                              leaf garland

                                              rain drops

                                                   chels

                                           weeping cherry

                                            golden hair

the best

on love

love is not something i think about a lot. i mean, i love my family and friends but liking someone, falling in love, being in love, i haven't thought about these things much until recently. throughout the past 12 months i've had a front row seat to my sister's first relationship with a boy. in the summer, i read a series of posts about love. since the end of summer 2 of my dearest friends have started dating boys. and most recently i've seen a new friend walk through a tough situation in an almost 4-year-long relationship. i've payed more attention to the different dynamics in the duos closest to me. my perspective on what love is, what i want from a guy, and how things "should be" have changed. not drastically, but subtly.

i used to dream of a guy that'd be tall, strong, handsome, charming, smart, athletic, funny, a leader...basically perfect. not sure why, cause i'm no where near perfect, but i did. i dreamed of an easy, short, fun time of dating and being engaged. than life would go on and along would come marriage, kids, and a comfy lifestyle without problems. not necessarily bad things to want, but if idled definitely need to do some heart checking.

so i did. helped along by the before said items, i evaluated what i was looking to gain from the relationship(s) that will one day come. i was looking for ease, comfort, affirmation, and happiness. but, what i realized is that happiness will not come from any of those things. true happiness, true joy, can only be found within Christ. true peace-ease & comfort- can only be found in Christ. and true affirmation can only be gained from hiding my life within Christ's sacrificial work on the cross.

so i started to re-shift my focus, the desires of my heart began to slowly change. instead of desiring an easy, dreamy future, i began to desire a future that reflected God's plan for me, a future that would bring glory to His name, and a future filled with things that would be of eternal importance.

more important than tall, strong, handsome, charming, smart, athletic, funny, etc, i want someone who is more passionate about God than anything else. who has given God his whole heart. who knows God's Word, but wants to know it better. who has prayer often on his mind. who finds joy in laying down his life and desires for others. who is committed to pursuing non-believers. who is courageous, unafraid to stand for truth and on his convictions. who will lead me and our one day family closer to God. these are the things i would like and pray for now. i want to come away from dates, phone calls, and time together spurred on towards the upward calling. i want to talk about deep things and have lighthearted fun. i want there to be struggles and arguments that refine us and build our faith. i want to be a team, with winning as our goal. winning through living lives in a manner worthy of a most Holy God.

this is what i want.

and i want to be a girl who is worthy of such a boy.